31 August 2014 @ 02:37 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
second road
My home is what I make it. It is everything I put in it. It is everything that I love.Home is happy. Home is calm. Home is content. Home is relaxed. Home is comfortable. If anything negative- anything that hurts me in some way -is in my home, home is still home. I have forgotten what home was. Or maybe I never learned what it could be. 13 March 2013 @ 05:21 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
One
2013-03-13-05:19It's been almost a year since I have written in here. I really did NOT want to rhyme just then. I started writing my thoughts down by hand in a book that a good friend gave me. He said it's a powerful book and WOAH NELLY it is. (Where does "WOAH NELLY" originate from?) From writing by hand, it's like I can communicate on a more honest and raw level with myself. I can hear my alter. I can hear all the things I need to hear and see all I need to see. When I type, things come out a little too artistically as if I'm writing a novel or trying to make things sound witty and interesting. I feel like I've made myself a character in my own story, but I'm not truly writing out everything that needs to get out. I do type faster than I write (I think...), but writing by hand is so much more powerful for me. I haven't even looked back on all the pain I used to pour out in this place. I will eventually, but... I lost my train of thought. My mother looked at me from the hallway. ._. Random? Yes. Weird? Yes. Deal with it. I won't read through everything now. If possible, I want to download it all and save it. I want to be able to look back at where I've come from and show someone that I had the same painful thoughts as them. Indescribable. Painful. Wrenching thoughts. I won't write everything about how much better I'm doing, how confident I am, how much I'm learning about myself, how much more I can handle my stress, how much MORE I just am, but I do want to leave a sentence that brings it all together. The two are now one. 31 May 2012 @ 03:02 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
I Don't Have a Title
2012-05-31-02:41I'm trying to make this a quick post because I don't want to think about all of this for too long. I had a random, but thankfully short wave of loneliness. I felt so... I don't know. I was just disappointed with the nineteen years I've lived. I haven't done much. I've aspired and I don't feel like I've acquired. Maybe I just want to see myself improve faster and break through everything at once. Honestly, I'd really like to. I can't lie. It would be easier, but this is probably going to be the most difficult point in my life that will come with a great reward, but it's going to come at a hefty and bloody price. Can I pay it? Holy wands and wizards that was a quick post. Well, at least I'm getting better at getting out of these feelings that just wash over. One improvement for me. Should I start writing my improvements down? Maybe that'll be a good thing to do this summer. I did say I wanted to fix some things and learn about myself. This is partially different from the beginning of the post, but I've noticed that when I'm with people I panic a little. I can't think about things correctly. I worry about saying the right thing, looking the right way, moving the right way. Part of me is still trying to form or assimilate into what I think everyone else wants me to be. I know I need to understand that I'm so different from everyone else, but I don't know how to present that, present myself in a way that people will like. I don't want to force myself to be someone I'm not and be regular because I'll just hate that. I want to be who I know I can be. The person I've always wanted to let through. But I just don't think or feel comfortable around people. It's somewhat easier to be myself with people who don't know me well because I don't feel pressured. When I'm around people I know, I feel like even if I change for the better and show them who I am, they're going to write down my change as "not me" or "fake" or that they just won't like it, that they'll question it. The thing I want to know is, how do I get out of this? What do I do? Do I just muster up the courage? Is it more than that? I know there's more I have to understand, notice, and release myself from, but I'm worried it'll take too long. I'm pressuring myself to improve so drastically in a short amount of time. I just want to get it all over with and be done so that everything will hurt less. That's it. I just don't want to have those internal battles anymore. So much for a short post. I should know better by now. On a better note, I've been working on my makeup collection and got some lip products from M.A.C. and some other stuff (blush, primer, etc.) from Sephora. It was a while ago, but I'll still be putting all of it in my beauty blog and attempting to update it more regularly. I also got some fake eyelashes and circle lenses from Nhie Lenses. Yay! The owner is a great seller. I'm still working on becoming natural, but I haven't been taking care of my hair. I should wash and condition it when I wake up. This all must go to my blog even if I have to take a sticky note to the head. Okay, but seriously, how the hell do I improve? I'm seeing a counselor in my college, but I don't know how much they'll help. What do I have to do to move? I have the car. I'm almost done finalizing the insurance. I have the wheel lock. I took the driving course. I know how to drive. I have damn thing but the gas. Where is the gas so I can move this bloody car?! Me and symbolism in my writing. I like it. 07 May 2012 @ 11:26 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
왜
05-07The title says "why" in Korean. I'm here to write out how I feel and hopefully calm myself down. I did get through this thought earlier: Do not worry or be afraid of someone being disappointed, annoyed, or upset with you. Worrying about this will just hurt you on the inside. And now, hours later, I'm back doing it again. Here's the back-story: I was trying to write this paper for English. I got the confused, anxious, headache feeling again, and went to lie down and rest for a while so that my mind would be clear when I woke up. I slept somewhat okay. Then when I woke up at 6:00 AM as planned, I was tired, and went back to sleep to wake up for 7:00. I was tired again and I don't know when I fell asleep. I still didn't sleep well. I slept, but was partially awake and couldn't tell the difference between sleep and wake. I had unsettling dreams which would be calm, but gave the same feeling a nightmare would. It's been like this for a while. Too long of a while, actually. I got out of bed at around 10:45 and now here I am trying to write and come up with ideas... And I can't. I'm getting worried about the weirdest things. I'm scared everyone will find out I haven't been working efficiently and will think I'm stupid and weak without acknowledging that I've been suffering from depression, fatigue, and anxiety. I'm afraid the professor will yell at me and point me out in front of the whole class. I'm afraid I'll be looked down upon. And I'm so scared about it. The fear in me is really making me feel like this will happen when I go to class today because I don't have my paper ready. I'm trying to walk into class with some stuff written out, but I have nothing because I'm having another anxiety moment. I don't want to call it an attack yet, but looking at the way things are going, I might as well. I'll get overly worried, get headaches, my mind will race and I'll want to escape it, I'll cry, and the only thing that kind of makes it better is if I go to lie down and/or sleep. I can't do that right now though because I need to get to class for 1:00. The other thing is that when I'm on my way to school, the anxiety becomes worse. I want to burst out crying on the train, I get headaches, I feel like everyone is watching and that they know I'm not doing my work... It's insane. And I hate it. I wanted to sit here and try to clear my mind as I write, but I can't. Another thing that's been happening is when I try to work, I can and I can't. I'll want to try to start something. Then I won't go to the sources I need. I'll go to other websites because I'm feeling anxious and try to make myself calm down or laugh so I'll feel better. Then I'll keep doing things on other sites and reading stuff and I don't even want to read it. I actually want to start working, but I'll keep trying to delay the work and be afraid to start it. At this point, I'm browsing on different sites and I don't want to, I'm afraid to start working and I'm afraid I won't ever work. This is how it happens every single time. I don't know how to stop it. If I could skip out of this class today, I would. But there's two things that won't let me. One is that I've already missed six classes; missing more than six means I fail the class. Two is that on Thursday, a blessing happened and she cancelled the class when I was having an anxiety attack and trying to finish the paper. All I've done since Thursday is find my two sources. I don't have a thesis. I don't have a letter for peer review. I don't have a paper. I don't have anything. The reason I have anxiety attacks is because I don't want to start bursting out crying because then the real attack will start. This is another thing that causes my headaches and for me to feel like I can't think. At this point, I'll just try to calm down, write a kind of a thesis, and pull out some points I would like to make into paragraphs. I'll try to finish it between today and tomorrow and then edit a little afterwards so that I can call that the final draft. The hardest thing is writing the first draft and this has happened last semester with the final essay as well. I hate being ordered to write something even if I have interest in it. I just want to get through this semester, get at least an overall GPA of 2.0 and finally be able to breathe and relax. My mind won't relax until after I take my last final and I see my GPA is at least a 2.0 It angers me that this is how it works. I will now breathe, calm down, and try to pull out something and have some ideas for class even if it's not perfect and typed out. I need to realize that what everyone else thinks of me does not matter because these people have no idea what I'm going through at the moment, could care less, and/or may actually understand my position and actions if they heard what I was going through. I need to step away from thoughts that say, "they see how bad you're doing" and "you're stupid." I need to shut that voice in my head away again. I'm going to calm down and try to get something done. If someone else doesn't understand me or thinks I'm faking it (another fear I have), I know that I am not. I think this has helped me a little. I'm going to go attempt... no, do what I wrote in the paragraph before this line. If there's someone reading this... pray for me if your religious beliefs include praying to someone (someone positive please o.o) and if yours don't, just hope for the best for me. I really do wonder who reads this though. 01 May 2012 @ 23:15 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
NOODLES?!
I'm back.Did you think you got rid of me? Think again. You're about to get rid of me soon though because I have nothing else to write. 30 April 2012 @ 23:02 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
Day AISH!!!
2012-04-30Now I really do want to come back to blogging and all... But I don't know how to. I say this as in, I don't know what to write. I have an a idea or a couple of them, but they're not forming. I don't want this to become a place to complain nor do I want it to become a place that looks like I'm elegantly/snarkily writing a story that's not mine. I just don't know what to do. I want to add lazy, insane, dance, scenery, music, life, religion, and a whole bunch of other shit. All the good shit. ALL OF IT. But I'd love if I had a bit of a blueprint on it. I just don't feel right blogging the way I used to blog especially since I don't like it anymore. Should I still number the days? -That I have started back at 000 for how many times now? How should titles look? When should I write? I do know I want to write more in my dream blog though. I don't want to change the layout because it's pretty, happy, and gives me positive energy. It's simple, beautiful, and has a guy that I like on it. Is it Taemin? Good God I don't know who it is. D: Oh well. *searches* Okay, he is a Japanese actor and singer named Haruma Miura. Mirua-san... I'll be looking out for you. But back to me- I currently wanna throw a bunch of stuff here. I'm not too sure about blogging multiple times a day. I kinda want to, but I don't have a laptop. Screw all you college students who have one. I think I'm just done with, "this happened today, this is how I feel, blah." I don't want that all the time. I guess I'll just dump random shiz here. I do want to work negative thoughts and energy out here, but sometimes the end product isn't what I want. It's like... I may get a solution or understand more from typing, but this is my main blog, I want some happy stuff on here too. Prepare for random shiz! Does anyone even read this? Haha, comment below if you do. Fuck you Google for changing Blogger. I want to be a stuck-in-the-past oldie with the old interface. I don't like this new one. The blog post page is pretty clean, but it's harder to make HTML and CSS templates install correctly. Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. I want my templates. Screw you and your ugly ass "clean and simple" pre-made templates. My blog; not yours. My life is not clean and simple so neither will my blog be. DEAL WITH IT. 05 April 2012 @ 07:27 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
Day 02: My Personality
04-04
I'm back; I didn't lie.
I'm just writing this post from my iPod until I'm on the Amtrak tomorrow and I have wifi. So for now, this will do.
I've noticed I don't say much in he presence of people. My mind literally doesn't know what to do. I end up just sitting there, adding a few words here and there and laughing here and there. It never really hit me how awkward I am. I've always hated that word, but I see why people use it. It just angers me when they use it because they don't know the person underneath it.
I came to the conclusion last night after some thinking that I do know who I am and what I like, but I just have trouble expressing it because I'm afraid of how others will take or judge it. It really shouldn't be their business to take and judge, but their actions are their own. It never really hit me until now (that I really know who I am) but it's not like I'm late or anything. I'm only 19 and I have a hell of a lot ahead of me.
Managing myself has been going well. I've been able to focus and work for the most part. All I want to aim for later today is to act without the fear. That's my only goal for the day. Well... That and get to Boston safely, but that's irrelevant to this.
I'm glad to know my personality is there and doesn't need to be re-created. It's a relief and for a while I was scared I would have to make a whole other me, but that's not the case. I hope this goes for anyone else who's going throught what I am. |
profile.
Why hello there. Welcome. Come by and visit this blog whenever you'd like. Pick up a phrase or two or some ideas; whatever fancies you. I'm just the writer. Take something from my words, go, and do.
My real name is of no matter. For now, we'll stick with Kakurayami Reika. Ah, may age? I'll allow you to guess. :] I live in NYC, but my mind lies elsewhere. I'm a musician and I play electric & upright bass, piano, alto saxophone, guitar, drums, and harmonica all in that order. Order of ability to play of course. I love bass the most. ♥ Normal | Bold | chit chat.
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