07 May 2012 @ 11:26 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
왜
05-07The title says "why" in Korean. I'm here to write out how I feel and hopefully calm myself down. I did get through this thought earlier: Do not worry or be afraid of someone being disappointed, annoyed, or upset with you. Worrying about this will just hurt you on the inside. And now, hours later, I'm back doing it again. Here's the back-story: I was trying to write this paper for English. I got the confused, anxious, headache feeling again, and went to lie down and rest for a while so that my mind would be clear when I woke up. I slept somewhat okay. Then when I woke up at 6:00 AM as planned, I was tired, and went back to sleep to wake up for 7:00. I was tired again and I don't know when I fell asleep. I still didn't sleep well. I slept, but was partially awake and couldn't tell the difference between sleep and wake. I had unsettling dreams which would be calm, but gave the same feeling a nightmare would. It's been like this for a while. Too long of a while, actually. I got out of bed at around 10:45 and now here I am trying to write and come up with ideas... And I can't. I'm getting worried about the weirdest things. I'm scared everyone will find out I haven't been working efficiently and will think I'm stupid and weak without acknowledging that I've been suffering from depression, fatigue, and anxiety. I'm afraid the professor will yell at me and point me out in front of the whole class. I'm afraid I'll be looked down upon. And I'm so scared about it. The fear in me is really making me feel like this will happen when I go to class today because I don't have my paper ready. I'm trying to walk into class with some stuff written out, but I have nothing because I'm having another anxiety moment. I don't want to call it an attack yet, but looking at the way things are going, I might as well. I'll get overly worried, get headaches, my mind will race and I'll want to escape it, I'll cry, and the only thing that kind of makes it better is if I go to lie down and/or sleep. I can't do that right now though because I need to get to class for 1:00. The other thing is that when I'm on my way to school, the anxiety becomes worse. I want to burst out crying on the train, I get headaches, I feel like everyone is watching and that they know I'm not doing my work... It's insane. And I hate it. I wanted to sit here and try to clear my mind as I write, but I can't. Another thing that's been happening is when I try to work, I can and I can't. I'll want to try to start something. Then I won't go to the sources I need. I'll go to other websites because I'm feeling anxious and try to make myself calm down or laugh so I'll feel better. Then I'll keep doing things on other sites and reading stuff and I don't even want to read it. I actually want to start working, but I'll keep trying to delay the work and be afraid to start it. At this point, I'm browsing on different sites and I don't want to, I'm afraid to start working and I'm afraid I won't ever work. This is how it happens every single time. I don't know how to stop it. If I could skip out of this class today, I would. But there's two things that won't let me. One is that I've already missed six classes; missing more than six means I fail the class. Two is that on Thursday, a blessing happened and she cancelled the class when I was having an anxiety attack and trying to finish the paper. All I've done since Thursday is find my two sources. I don't have a thesis. I don't have a letter for peer review. I don't have a paper. I don't have anything. The reason I have anxiety attacks is because I don't want to start bursting out crying because then the real attack will start. This is another thing that causes my headaches and for me to feel like I can't think. At this point, I'll just try to calm down, write a kind of a thesis, and pull out some points I would like to make into paragraphs. I'll try to finish it between today and tomorrow and then edit a little afterwards so that I can call that the final draft. The hardest thing is writing the first draft and this has happened last semester with the final essay as well. I hate being ordered to write something even if I have interest in it. I just want to get through this semester, get at least an overall GPA of 2.0 and finally be able to breathe and relax. My mind won't relax until after I take my last final and I see my GPA is at least a 2.0 It angers me that this is how it works. I will now breathe, calm down, and try to pull out something and have some ideas for class even if it's not perfect and typed out. I need to realize that what everyone else thinks of me does not matter because these people have no idea what I'm going through at the moment, could care less, and/or may actually understand my position and actions if they heard what I was going through. I need to step away from thoughts that say, "they see how bad you're doing" and "you're stupid." I need to shut that voice in my head away again. I'm going to calm down and try to get something done. If someone else doesn't understand me or thinks I'm faking it (another fear I have), I know that I am not. I think this has helped me a little. I'm going to go attempt... no, do what I wrote in the paragraph before this line. If there's someone reading this... pray for me if your religious beliefs include praying to someone (someone positive please o.o) and if yours don't, just hope for the best for me. I really do wonder who reads this though. |
profile.
Why hello there. Welcome. Come by and visit this blog whenever you'd like. Pick up a phrase or two or some ideas; whatever fancies you. I'm just the writer. Take something from my words, go, and do.
My real name is of no matter. For now, we'll stick with Kakurayami Reika. Ah, may age? I'll allow you to guess. :] I live in NYC, but my mind lies elsewhere. I'm a musician and I play electric & upright bass, piano, alto saxophone, guitar, drums, and harmonica all in that order. Order of ability to play of course. I love bass the most. ♥ Normal | Bold | chit chat.
links out.
My Beauty Blog » My Dream Blog
» Collaborative Musicians' Blog » My Tumblr
» My Livejournal » My Twitter
credits.
This layout was created by sagacity. Please use
MOZILLA FIREFOX when viewing this layout/blog. Use a 1280x800px screen for best results.
|