31 May 2012 @ 03:02 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
I Don't Have a Title
2012-05-31-02:41I'm trying to make this a quick post because I don't want to think about all of this for too long. I had a random, but thankfully short wave of loneliness. I felt so... I don't know. I was just disappointed with the nineteen years I've lived. I haven't done much. I've aspired and I don't feel like I've acquired. Maybe I just want to see myself improve faster and break through everything at once. Honestly, I'd really like to. I can't lie. It would be easier, but this is probably going to be the most difficult point in my life that will come with a great reward, but it's going to come at a hefty and bloody price. Can I pay it? Holy wands and wizards that was a quick post. Well, at least I'm getting better at getting out of these feelings that just wash over. One improvement for me. Should I start writing my improvements down? Maybe that'll be a good thing to do this summer. I did say I wanted to fix some things and learn about myself. This is partially different from the beginning of the post, but I've noticed that when I'm with people I panic a little. I can't think about things correctly. I worry about saying the right thing, looking the right way, moving the right way. Part of me is still trying to form or assimilate into what I think everyone else wants me to be. I know I need to understand that I'm so different from everyone else, but I don't know how to present that, present myself in a way that people will like. I don't want to force myself to be someone I'm not and be regular because I'll just hate that. I want to be who I know I can be. The person I've always wanted to let through. But I just don't think or feel comfortable around people. It's somewhat easier to be myself with people who don't know me well because I don't feel pressured. When I'm around people I know, I feel like even if I change for the better and show them who I am, they're going to write down my change as "not me" or "fake" or that they just won't like it, that they'll question it. The thing I want to know is, how do I get out of this? What do I do? Do I just muster up the courage? Is it more than that? I know there's more I have to understand, notice, and release myself from, but I'm worried it'll take too long. I'm pressuring myself to improve so drastically in a short amount of time. I just want to get it all over with and be done so that everything will hurt less. That's it. I just don't want to have those internal battles anymore. So much for a short post. I should know better by now. On a better note, I've been working on my makeup collection and got some lip products from M.A.C. and some other stuff (blush, primer, etc.) from Sephora. It was a while ago, but I'll still be putting all of it in my beauty blog and attempting to update it more regularly. I also got some fake eyelashes and circle lenses from Nhie Lenses. Yay! The owner is a great seller. I'm still working on becoming natural, but I haven't been taking care of my hair. I should wash and condition it when I wake up. This all must go to my blog even if I have to take a sticky note to the head. Okay, but seriously, how the hell do I improve? I'm seeing a counselor in my college, but I don't know how much they'll help. What do I have to do to move? I have the car. I'm almost done finalizing the insurance. I have the wheel lock. I took the driving course. I know how to drive. I have damn thing but the gas. Where is the gas so I can move this bloody car?! Me and symbolism in my writing. I like it. |
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Why hello there. Welcome. Come by and visit this blog whenever you'd like. Pick up a phrase or two or some ideas; whatever fancies you. I'm just the writer. Take something from my words, go, and do.
My real name is of no matter. For now, we'll stick with Kakurayami Reika. Ah, may age? I'll allow you to guess. :] I live in NYC, but my mind lies elsewhere. I'm a musician and I play electric & upright bass, piano, alto saxophone, guitar, drums, and harmonica all in that order. Order of ability to play of course. I love bass the most. ♥ Normal | Bold | chit chat.
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