So I've returned?

I must be back for some reason.

Yeah, I'm back with a kind of a reason.

But will my reason lead me out of where I've been?

No one knows. If it's not the "yes" that I want, then I don't want to find out.

Just Talk

Two simple words. Easy for everyone, right? I'm not everyone. I'll probably won't be with this "everyone" for a while. I can't talk. Every time words leave my body whether from my hands or from my vocal chords, they always come out wrong. I don't tell the person what they can understand or what they should hear. Instead I dig myself deeper down. Down, down, down, I go. At the rate I'm going, it doesn't seem like I want to go up.

I know I have to fix myself, but how?

Just Talk

I laugh whenever I hear or read that. I can't. It's not in my body to do so. I have to re-write it in. But oh look...

There's no place to write it.

I need a space to write it in. Previously written things need to get erased. But look again...

It's all written in pen. And it's not the erasable kind either. Wonderful.

Looks like I need a new place to write the right things in.

But that new place comes at a high price I can't afford at the moment.

I have to work in order to afford it and this work will make me cry and bleed.

So I'm faced with:

Is it worth it?

Is there a way around it?

--------------------

I just don't know anymore. I want to improve, but I can't. I flipping can't. Every time I'm told to, no matter how friendly the tone may be, I can't. How? Just talk. What can I do to get better? Just talk. I've heard those two words over and over and it always leads to the same thing:

The person doesn't know what to say.

What an improvement.

I'm not surprised. It's why I always try to save everyone the trouble and don't tell them what's wrong. They never know what to say. Now they know a piece of this larger mess and that's it. I'll find the solution little by little by myself, and that's how I've been going. It's the only way that showed some kind of improvement.

But they want something else.

They want me to pay that price I can't afford.

Something I'm afraid to give.