16 November 2011 @ 21:02 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
Day 066
11-16

I finally caught up and decided to type something. A lot has happened since I last posted and it's going to be hard for me to fill up all of those days. I'm going to try to. I posted the day numbers with the dates so I know what to write. I have some topics written down on paper and some are written in the post next to the date. I'll try my best to get to those. I just had to make this post again because I've fallen... again.

I was reading up on what to do when it's the middle near end of the semester and you're about to do badly in a couple of classes in college. As I did, I found a post that I really related to. The person also wrote that they were suffering from a couple of personality disorders. This made me want to look up which ones I may have because that's what's having a large impact on doing work or anything. I have five personality disorders. Five.

Paranoid

· Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults

· Excessive sensitivity to setbacks

· Distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance

· Projection of blame onto others

· Consumed by anticipation of betrayal

· Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights

· Relentlessly suspicious


Borderline

· Self-injury or attempted suicide

· Strong feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression that last for several hours

· Impulsive behavior

· Drug or alcohol abuse

· Feelings of low self-worth

· Unstable relationships with friends and family


Obsessive Compulsive

· Need for perfection and excessive discipline

· Preoccupation with orderliness

· Inflexibility

· Hyper-focus on details and rules

· Excessive devotion to work


Dependent

· Difficulty making decisions

· Feelings of helplessness when alone

· Suicidal thoughts upon rejection

· Submissiveness

· Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval

· Unable to meet ordinary demands of life


Avoidant

· Social inhibition; retreating from others in anticipation of rejection

· Preoccupation with being rejected or criticized in social situations

· Poor self-image; feelings of social ineptitude

· Desire for improved social relations

· Appear to others as self-involved and unfriendly

· Creation of elaborate fantasy lives


Those are all of the symptoms of those disorders that I currently have. I literally mean the symptoms listed are the ones I have. I took out ones that didn't apply to me such as having a boyfriend/girlfriend and not being generous. But look at the list of things I'm dealing with. In a way, I feel a little better because I can now understand all the things I'm dealing with and I can see there's actual reasons to why I behave the way I do. I also feel terrible and I want to cry because of all the things I'm dealing with. I knew I was messed up, but not this messed up. How do I fix all of this? I'm afraid to go in to a psychiatrist or a counselor because I don't want to be put on medicine or have them question me on and on and not help me at all. I'm afraid they'll be very judgmental. I don't know how to solve any of this. It's so much.

I got so stressed out with classes and I was doing alright, but once the test grades started coming back I got scared and shut down completely. I worry for hours upon hours about assignments, I cry night after night, I make up situations in my head where someone is helping me through the situation and showing me what my problem and how to understand what's going on and how to stop. I don't even know if that last thing is good or bad because it's the only way that I can understand what's happening to me, step away from the worry, and see what I should do about it. I'm just a mess and I don't know what to do. It's hard for the people around me to help because I'm afraid to tell them everything and I envy the lives they have that look so much better than mine. I go back and forth with highs and lows and I can't seem to make the lows stop. I'm all over the place. Just when I was getting better, I got worse. Terribly worse.





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Why hello there. Welcome. Come by and visit this blog whenever you'd like. Pick up a phrase or two or some ideas; whatever fancies you. I'm just the writer. Take something from my words, go, and do.

My real name is of no matter. For now, we'll stick with Kakurayami Reika. Ah, may age? I'll allow you to guess. :] I live in NYC, but my mind lies elsewhere. I'm a musician and I play electric & upright bass, piano, alto saxophone, guitar, drums, and harmonica all in that order. Order of ability to play of course. I love bass the most. ♥


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