I just found out about the Center for Student Achievement at my college and I'm too glad that they have it. I don't know how to study, when to study, how to organize myself, how to plan things, nothing. I'm living on I don't know what. It's like I have to focus so much on college that everything else has to come second. I know this contradicts my last post, but the stress is still here and when I'm stressed the worst feelings come out.

I haven't been talking to my friends. I was always terrible at keeping at contact with people. Despite the talk we had a while ago, I feel so distant from them. It's to the point where I feel I don't even exist or I'm not their friend anymore. I don't know what my place is. I don't know who's around me. I don't know anything. That's my biggest problem. I DON'T KNOW.

I hate ultimatums. It's either do good in school and lose the friends or keep the friends and do bad in school. My sleeping schedule has been all sorts of crazy and when I don't get the right amounts of sleep at the right times, I'm an emotional wreck, I see the worst in everything, and I can't concentrate on school. It drives me crazy. When the weekend hits, all I do is sleep. I haven't been to church in some time. All I've been doing is sleeping. On Saturday, I didn't get out of bed until 19:00. Sunday I was up from since Saturday and I went some places with my mom to get stuff and then my nap turned into getting out of bed at 22:00. After that I got no assignments done and I got distracted on the computer. When I'm stressed and I don't try to laugh or have fun, I get distracted easily because I want a break from all the work. After a shower and everything, I was in bed and attempting to sleep at 05:00 to wake up at 06:00.

I wasn't even asleep. I was so jittery and stressed and worried about every little thing that I couldn't get comfortable and sleep. I can't even rest during the weekdays. I got really drowsy on the train ride home, saw someone I didn't want to see, and then as I tried to learn how to get organized and get an English paper done, I feel asleep at the computer desk.

Then I remembered I'm in TNA.

Then I remembered there's people I should be talking to that I'm not.

I don't feel close to anyone anymore so it's like WHO THE FUCK AM I CLOSE TO? Where the hell am I?

I'm just going to shower, attempt to outline that paper that's due tomorrow, and maybe sleep. It won't be peacefully, but I think it's some kind of rest. Maybe it's because I'm on my period this week. I'm not sure. I usually get moody the week before, never the week of. Then again, stress throws everything around. I'd tell people that I don't feel like I exist anymore, but it's so late and I'm tired. If I talk, I'll be up a while and I'm still not used to sending a message to someone and saying how I feel. It's foreign to me. I'm told to do it, but in my mind it's still something new. I don't know how to communicate with people; I never learned that. I might as well say something to them now and solve it fast because I'm getting fucking nowhere. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at college, I'm angry at the world FUCK I don't know what to be angry at anymore.