I really hate how I look. I'm not pretty at all.

I was with friends in the park and of course, two of my best friends are in relationships, it's easy for them to find someone that likes them. Me... No. It's funny. Someone, a person, seriously, like me and think I'm pretty? Wow. Sometimes I laugh at that thought. Other times, I just cry.

I'll look in the mirror and sometimes think my eyes or my lips look okay, but other than that, I HATE how I look. I hate how I'm different tones and shades of brown. I hate how my face looks. I hate my hair because it looks terrible. It's starting to get healthier, but it's still short and looks bad. I don't like the fat at one part of my arms. I hate my hips and butt because they look absolutely shapeless and terrible. Hate that part. I don't like my thighs that much. My butt just blends into them. There's no distinction and my back and arch look disgusting. My calves are random and have muscle that looks weird. I don't like how I can never manage my feet.

In entirety, I don't like how I look. I HATE my body so much. It looks terrible.

My thoughts about my looks get so bad that I'll wonder if my ugliness disturbs people and I feel bad about when they have to look at me. My opinion about my looks is that bad. I just hate it. I don't know if I should hate my looks or what I think. I just want to look pretty.

Why is it that every other girl has something that makes me pretty, but I have to be the ugly one? Why can't I be pretty too? Why do my clothes have to look like shit? Why does my body have to look terrible? Why does my face have to look bad?

Why can't I get rid of those thoughts? I want to think I'm pretty, but that's going to take some time.

I can't even get someone I like to like me. It's only creeps who would ever think of having anything to do with me. There was only one guy I know who said, "I think you're beautiful and amazing and I want you to be my girlfriend."

I had to stop before I wrote that. I did. I just remembered there was really someone who said and thought that. I said no to them because I was a wreck and I still am. I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm not going to be for some time. It's just that a lot of the time when I see other people in relationships I wonder why can't I have someone that I like? I want to feel loved or adored and pretty too. I should deserve to, but I just don't see it coming my way at all.

I think it goes all the way back to grade school when I liked a boy and I literally couldn't because I wasn't popular. Because I was not popular, I was not pretty. End of story as said by them. It didn't help that my grandmother would occasionally tell me that I'm "an ugly little thing". Those words stuck with me. I really think I'm ugly. I can't stand to look at myself sometimes. I just do it because the mirror is there when I brush my teeth. It's hard not to look at your face when you brush your teeth.

I just want to feel better about myself. If there is some kind of pretty in me, I want to be able to see it. I always wear these shitty clothes that make me look and feel ugly. I used to dress ugly and out of style and wear big clothes on purpose because I wouldn't want niggers coming up to me to hit on me for sex. I just kept doing it. On top of that, it's hard for me to act in a way that makes people want to be around me. I just stay so quiet. I can't act myself and then I regret it so much later. I don't know how to change it.

I'm getting new clothes soon. Will that help? Maybe it's because of the way I dress. I don't like my clothes because they don't fit nor do they show my personality, so I hate them and I guess I've piled that hate onto myself. In saying that my clothes look ugly, I guess I somehow changed it to I. I replaced "my clothes" with "I". Why did I do that? Is it a psychological thing? How do I change it? I'm afraid to tell my friends anything, because I'm worried they'll get angry at me for thinking that, but the only reason I got over some of what my grandmother said was because I talked to someone. I tell NO ONE what happened to me because it's a lot. Loads upon loads upon loads upon loads upon loads of verbal abuse. It's a story that cannot be told all at once. It's too much.

I hope I find somewhere to go after this. I don't want to keep thinking I'm ugly. I really hated how my grandmother always told me I was ugly. I can't remember correctly when she said I was pretty. She said so many things that fucked me up mentally that I don't know what to do with myself. My friends went through enough today with one person, so I'll need to wait a while before I tell them this because I don't want too much weighing on them. They're stressed out enough with that one person as it is.

Lord... Can I get better?