How can you go to the grocery and only buy snacks? I don't eat anything healthy. I'm so surprised that I'm not fat or suffering from something. Actually, I might be suffering from something. I don't get the vitamins I need so I have to take a one-a-day tablet every morning. It's the only way for me to get some kind of nutrition. I can't cook in here because everything is fucked up. She always buys unhealthy food. I can't do shit. The Lord must really love me because I still haven't had cardiac arrest, clogged arteries, or anything of that sort.

I just get depressed easily and cry a lot these days. On top of that, I'll get cold very easily and stay cold. I'm hoping I'm not anemic. I get hot easily as well. I'd go to the doctor to get that checked out, but I can't let my mom know anything about it.

She brushes me off whenever I cry to her and she says she "doesn't want to deal with it right now" or "can't handle me and my breakdowns". On top of that, when she knows I'm upset, she'll ask and if I tell her she'll say things to brush me off and make me feel like it's all my fault. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK?! She walks and when I'm near she'll complain as if it's someone else she's talking about and think she's so smart and even smile sometimes. I've had times in my mind where I'd contemplate jumping on her and attacking her and beating her up. I'm so messed up psychologically that I'll have random thoughts like that. Apparently to her, everything that happens is my fault and every time I get stressed, I shouldn't because I "have nothing to worry about". Her words.

I have nothing to worry about? FUCKING NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?!

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't have gone suicidal when I was eleven.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't want to cry when I notice how unhealthy my lifestyle is.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't get stressed out so much.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't cry myself to sleep every night.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't need to type in this blog every day to prevent myself from jumping in the train tracks.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't feel like a burden to my friends.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't worry about when my new college friends will think I'm weird, crazy, or just get annoyed and tired with me.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't want to move away from my mother.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't cry about how I think I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't worry about my physical health since I'm not active anymore.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't cry about how badly I think I'm doing in college.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't be so upset with how I'm not handling college.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't wish for my life to end.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't think I'll never be a good musician.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't think I'll live on the streets.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't think I'll never become a C.P.A.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't tell myself no one will ever accept me.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't cry to myself and wonder why I always cry to myself.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't wonder why doesn't my mother ever touch me.

If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't be typing line after line of, "If I had nothing to worry about, I wouldn't..."

College is killing me. Sometimes I'll feel kind of ready to handle it and other times or most of the time, I won't. I can't. I just want to stay in my bed and that's it. That or stay in a safe little place of my own and never leave. I don't like going out to college. I like the people, but I really can't handle the work. I don't feel myself adjusting. It's tearing me apart. The train tracks keep looking better and better each day. I don't want them to look so inviting. I want to live, but how can I do that while I'm such a wreck? I don't know where to go from here. I can't even go to my friends because I don't want to bother them a lot. They have their own things to worry about so why should I add to it with all of my... I don't even know what to call it. I'm too much for anyone to handle. No one can. I really don't know what to do. I just want to drop out of college. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't see myself doing well in it, so I don't want to do it. I'm too scared. It's too much. I can't do all of this. I just want to get out of the world, go someplace safe and hide.

Why do I always have to go through these feelings? Why can't I have more happy times than sad? Why am I always like this? I'm not getting any better. I hate my life. I don't know what to do with myself. Whenever I wake up I don't want to get out of bed because I know what's waiting for me. Why leave and get even more fucked up? Just when I think I can't get any worse, I do. I get worse and worse and worse and it never ends. I'm sick of it. I want a different life. I can't take this anymore. I want to quit. I do want to be a C.P.A. a great musician, and an amazing person, get married, have kids (and make sure they NEVER go though what I did), and live a good life....

But I don't see any of it in my reach. It's all too far and I'm getting too hurt and too weak. What the fuck am I supposed to do?