I don't feel like I'm ready for it. There's so much work, so much studying, so much to learn and I feel like I worked so hard senior year and missed half of my summer so now I'm too burned out to do any of my work. I can't put up with any of it. I can't.

At this point, I have to choose between socializing (even a little) or studying my ass off. There's no possible way for me to have a little fun and work too. It's either work all the time or have some fun and watch my grades fall. I can't take this. I want to enjoy college, but I feel like it's controlling my life. I hate it. I've contemplated dropping out so many times that I don't know what to do at this point. I envy everyone who took a year off before starting college or who is starting in January, because at least they had time to rest. I feel like I never got the rest I deserved.

What's worse is that I think I've lost my love for learning. Once that love is gone, I cannot by any circumstances do good in that course. I've lost interest in almost everything. I just want to relax and breathe for at least a week. Just get all the sleep I need and relax. Christmas and winter vacation is too far and there's too much work in the way of it. I seriously just want to give up. I hate college. That's it. Point blank. I've met some wonderful people, but what's the point if I can't hang out with them? What's the point if I have to work day in day out?

When I come home, I'm tired as fuck. When I go to school I'm tired as fuck. When I'm in class I'm tired as fuck. It's an endless cycle of being tired as fuck. I don't even have time to listen to music, learn some dances, talk to people, play my instruments, learn about music, or read some books. If I don't do any of these things, I don't feel right. If I'm deprived of music, I WILL GO MAD. I really don't know where to go. Just around the river bend?

ASIAN 210

- I like what I'm learning and I'm starting to see what I need to do in order to do well in the course. After a couple more classes, I should be fine with it.

CHEM 102.LC

-I HATE THIS CLASS. THIS IS WHERE MY STRESS IS COMING FROM. If you don't do well on the first exam, you'll be placed in an easier class. I personally feel like they'll be throwing me into the stupid class. That's what my mind sees it as. I've never been in a lower level class and if I switch, I might lose my place in two other classes which would be complete fuckery. I liked chemistry, but I feel like I can't keep up with it. I wanna quit all because of this course. The OWL homework fucks you over and I have a hard time finding when to go to office hours and to review and study what I should know. It's too much for me right now. I have to be prepared for this exam on September 20th. THAT'S NEXT WEEK. I don't think I can do it. I really don't. My mind isn't applying itself because of my terrible fatigue. I've missed some OWL assignments too so I have no idea what my grade is looking like right now. I wanted to get all A's, but this course is starting to threaten me with a Z. It's that bad. I'll understand everything he says in the course, but I just don't have time to go over it. That's the main problem. Time. I don't want to have to carry all my books with me. It's too much pressure on my back and shoulders which are already in pain from high school. Fuck.

CLA 110

- I'm starting to re-gain intrest in this class. It doesn't seem so difficult. I think all I need to do is to start studying and understanding the main concepts. That should be all

ENGL 120

- I FUCKING HATE WRITING RESEARCH PAPERS, ESSAYS, PARAGRAPHS, AND ALL OF THAT CRAP. The only kind of writing I like to do is the one I fell like doing when I want to do it. NOT when someone else tells me I should. I personally don't feel like I'm that good of a writer, so in this course I'll be learning what I should do and whatnot. It's going to be valuable in the long run and I don't get that much homework from it, but I still don't like anything with writing. It's too much and too time consuming. I'm lazy and I like to think straightforward. That's why I like math. Nice and EASY. No thesis statements and careful thinking needed. Just do and go. BAM.

MATH 150

- I don't like the professor's way of teaching classes, but I learned everything in high school already so this course is going to be SOOO EASY. I'm really not worried about it. I just need to do the online assignments on time. I'm at an advantage since I don't need to worry all the time about not understanding it because I still have my notes and tests. BOO YAH.

That's basically what I feel about everything in college right now. I should be doing my work, but I got so fucking tired in the chair in my mother's room (happens too much because of the feel of the char and then my chest hurts because it causes me to contract it). I'm feeling totally drained and if I can write this ENGL 120 homework by hand instead of typing it, I'll be so fucking happy because that means I can go and sleep right now. I gotta wake up early to get to this stupid recitation class for CHEM 102.LC. It's difficult especially since my brain doesn't want to work at 8AM. No no no. It refuses to.

I'm going to attempt doing this shit load of work, but I can't guarantee I'll get anywhere. Lord... I'm dying. HELP ME.