 11 July 2010 @ 02:38 | 0 comment(s) / add a comment. | back to the top.
FUCK. [09 July 2010]
09 July 20108:36 PM FUCK. Yes, that's the title of this blog. Fuck, fuckedy, fuck, fuck, fuck. (That word can really relieve some stress. Try it sometime.) So I went to this program for one week and lived on campus. Yay, right? Yay for the most part. Nay because of what happened on the last night. Most of the girls and one guy (he was gay so he was an exception =P) were in one room just chatting and having fun. Then came the best part. Everyone giving their first opinions of each other. Awesome, no? Smell my sarcasm? Good. :D Why so sarcastic, you ask? It's because pretty much everyone had the same first opinion of me: "She's crazy." "She's gonna do voodoo." "She's weird." "What's wrong with her?" "She's going to kill someone." All that because of my fucking belt that had some chains on it and because I tried to be nice and get to know people. I'm fully aware that those were only their first opinions and they didn't mean to hurt me, but they reminded me so much of my time in grade school. Long story short: I had no friends, everyone thought I was weird, everyone laughed at me and talked about me, and there wasn't a week that I didn't cry myself to sleep. All the pain that took 16 years to get rid of came flooding back to me in a couple of minutes. Did I break down and cry in front of them? Hell no. I just waited until I got back into my room. THEN I cried myself to sleep just like I used to. It took so long for me to write this up because I was in denial. I wanted to push it away and forget about it like it like it was nothing. But it WAS something. I couldn't push it away. I couldn't run away from it. That's my problem. I keep trying to run away from my past hoping that nothing in the future would bring me back to it. I was wrong. There will always be a time that brings me back to those days. I can't run away forever. I have to do something to fix it. Why don't you talk to one of your dear friends about it? Honestly, I'm too afraid to burden them with this. I might tell them eventually, but it's going to take a while. I'm not used to talking my problems out with people because I always get the same response. "You'll be fine." "Don't worry." "It's OK." It's NOT OK. I can't stop worrying! I won't be fine! I have to fix this for myself. Someway, somehow. So yeah. There's my second problem; Not believing that it won't be like it used to so many years ago. What am I gonna do about it now? Man up, I guess. The past is the past and I can't do anything about it. I had a nightmare about my past a couple of minutes ago and in it I did something I should have done a long time ago. I cursed those bitches out and said to fucking leave me alone before I hurt them physically and mentally. If only I did that when it was called for in real life. But, hey. What's done is done. What really matters isn't what's happened to me; it's what I do about it. I really gotta thank Ishihara Takamasa (Miyavi). If it wasn't for him and the lyrics in his songs.... I'd probably go insane. Thank you. <3 |
profile.
Why hello there. Welcome. Come by and visit this blog whenever you'd like. Pick up a phrase or two or some ideas; whatever fancies you. I'm just the writer. Take something from my words, go, and do.
My real name is of no matter. For now, we'll stick with Kakurayami Reika. Ah, may age? I'll allow you to guess. :] I live in NYC, but my mind lies elsewhere. I'm a musician and I play electric & upright bass, piano, alto saxophone, guitar, drums, and harmonica all in that order. Order of ability to play of course. I love bass the most. ♥ Normal | Bold | chit chat.
links out.
My Beauty Blog » My Dream Blog
» Collaborative Musicians' Blog » My Tumblr
» My Livejournal » My Twitter
credits.
This layout was created by sagacity. Please use
MOZILLA FIREFOX when viewing this layout/blog. Use a 1280x800px screen for best results.
|